Yeah, didn't want to be polite with words so it doesn't cut down the intensity of how i feel. It was a shit show today. Such a day isn't uncommon, luckily everyone who is reading this probably had one today, so am glad my audience gets me.
I am in bed and it's 00:47 , I am trying to watch a movie and start my night, yeah I like nights, I can stay with my thoughts and dream of everything I want and want to experience even if it is absolutely impossible to ,for example running or jumping over a wall or something similar like riding a bike (I actually did ride a bike first time in 4 years today), I imagine all this sitting in bed all night and trust me sometimes it gets so real that I even feel worn out. I miss my legs, I genuinely do. The other day someone tagged a person on my feed who doesn't have 3 of his limbs and is killing at life. Well thank you for giving me an inspirational figure to look up to but honestly didn't make me feel any good. I am in pain. More than physical pain it's failure, failing at little things like getting a glass of water from the kitchen or going to the loo or climbing that damn ladder which doesn't have the first step so I have to literally pull myself up to make my foot reach the really high first step and I am already tired even before actually climbing the damn thing. (The ladder at site today didn't have the first step). It just sucks.
I used to be a very positive person, like I must explain how positive. When my doctor told my parents that I might die, I thought of calculating how many art pieces would I be able to make before the D-day. Like when doctors said that there is no cure to my disease my reaction was "umm well then maybe my mind will heal my body"..MIND WILL HEAL BODY ???? ...For me the glass was always full, half with water half with air and then over flowing with love, hope and rose petals. Today someone honked at me and I turned around to snap at him saying "get off your fucking bike and walk up to me if you want to talk". Life does make sure that you lose your shit someday and today I feel like a shit show. I am reading Louise Hay these days and she did mention that as soon as you try to change things for the better some or the other thing may happen that might seem just the opposite and she was right ,that is what today was all about. A random dude picked a fight another asshole wanted to show power and then the auto driver sahab felt like he would lose a kidney if he would have to drop us 10 meters ahead of what Uber location said. To top it all at midnight I get a message that the client needs changes on a piece that I fucking died making using that stupid ladder.
Life will never give you what you want and accepting it is the first step towards getting what you want, confused? So am I but this book says stuff like this. Even though today was shitty I still have some sort of stupid habit of trying to do it all over again tomorrow. I know myself , tomorrow morning I will read the book again and try to learn something new, I will again check which site I have to go to today and make my way limping, I will again climb the ladder and paint till I cant stand anymore, I will write the required emails and will do the required calls, I will put adds on my stories and will take orders and will be me again. Sometimes I don't even know what keeps me going. Like right now I don't know why I will repeat the hustle tomorrow but tonight after finishing writing this I am going to watch that movie and imagine everything I am incapable of physically doing till I eventually get tired and fall asleep.
I am sorry that this blog isn't ending in anything inspirational. It was a shitty day and that's about it. Hope you guys enjoy your night and do it all over again tomorrow too.