Things no one tells you
Another one of my fucking frustrating days. I know these blogs are supposed to be inspirational and shit but do hell with it, i am fucking annoyed. Last night i could not sleep because my back was itching. Magically my body will find the exact spot where i cannot reach to irritate the hell out of me. You must be thinking how bad itching can be, yes even i thought the same about hiccups when i was told its a 'small' side effect of chemo. Fucking i used to have hiccups till i would pass out of breathlessness or intentionally puke to get rid of it. Now this itching. It wont stop itching till you have red nail marks all over and those bruises hurts. How lucky am i to have my own nail marks on my body at the age of 25...wow..dream life...anyway moving forward...morning wasn't that comfortable either, my body was still itchy and i was furious. Over that these medicine alarms dont even let me take a dump properly. Then the food. Breakfast was nothing special (well anyway my special food is the adventure of tasting chutney and then immediately have sugar so that i dont start breathing fire) and then i started itching and working. As the universe has decided to fuck me over, none of my work got done today either, adding to my wonderful day. Lunch, again nothing special. But i desperately wanted to eat something tasty for once. Guess what do i do when i want to eat something tasty. I opt for maggie. Yes fucking maggie is my magical tasty food. But then the maggie masala is way too spicy for my tongue, which has ulcers since Indira Gandhi was prime minister. So mom prepared maggie with less masala and i asked her to add eggs and cheese in hope that ill taste something at least. Maggie was served and i cried. It taste like shit. I never like to abuse food because i didnt get to eat for months so i know its value but do hell with it right now.. It was shit...its till kept here and i cannot eat this. I cried because i am tired of this. I crave for good food. I want to taste something. My tongue feels like metal. I haven't had anything tasty since past two years. Two fucking years. I loved eating ice cream and i am allowed to. It was my only way to feel happy. Then my teeth gave up. As soon as i have anything remotely cold my teeth hurt like a bitch, its unbearable. So now no more ice cream either. Over that people around me dont help either. No one is ready to give me company. My home mates are doing their shit. Drinking, eating chakna, spicy food, chutney and i am here eating crap. I know its stupid to expect people to give up on their pleasures of life for you. No one does, your own family also wont and no one should either. But now i am so fucking jealous of them and it irritates the hell out of me when they give me gyan that "its just a matter of few more days"..then why dont you eat this crap for a few days...few days...no one tells you its going to be so long...no one tells you its never going to end..no one tells you that it will break you one day..it will take everything you love...everything that makes you what you are...everything that helps you go by the day..that defines you..that puts a smile on your face.. no one tells you that this disease will make you handicap even without taking a limb from you. No one tells you that you wont even be able to eat maggie.